Not my time

I just wanted to say to anyone waiting on another post that I will be stopping my posts from now on.  I have had such great feedback but I am just not ready to be out there as much as I thought I was.  I've had a rough year and I bet a lot of people have had rougher years than mine but I'm just not quite out of the woods yet so I'm going to take the time I need and work on me from the inside and not make it such a public affair.  I thank all those who have read and commented and spoken to me privately about my blog.  Thank you

Don't know what to say

It's hard to write an entry when I don't know what to say but I feel like I want to write about it.  Sounds peculiar, right? I don't know if you have ever felt like you're not 100% but you have no knowledge of why or what is causing it.  People ask how can they help and all you say is "I don't know".  I feeling very I don't know lately, my life is going along as normal, I'm very busy and always doing something (maybe the start of the problem). I don't know .... but I've got to say I really am quite a positive person, I love my life with my beautiful partner and mine and our boys but something is missing

AAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

I have been avoiding blogging because I have had such an amazing response.  It doesn't make sense, I know but I think the thought of everyone wanting to help was too overwhelming for a girl who does not ask for help and if I do, it is with gritted teeth.  I feel like I want to vent and that's it but to have such a community of people willing to stand with me is amazing I'm just not ready to accept it yet.  I was thinking about it today and I feel like a failure somehow for asking for help.  I know it sounds crazy but its what I feel, that I must do everything on my own even though in my head I'm wishing that I'd asked for help or I'm cranky at my partner for not helping and that he's just supposed to read my mind cause I never asked him to help me.  Asking for help is going to be a huge thing for me to accomplish so please be patient and expect quite a few knock backs.  Saying that makes me think of when I've asked others if they need help and they say no, it hurts cause all you want to do is help.  I understand but don't always get it right

Guilty much??

I just want to know when the feelings of guilt stop when you're a Mum.  I feel guilty if I exercise and leave the boys at home, I feel guilt if I do something in the evening and don't spend it with my partner, I feel guilty about feeling guilty (well probably not the last one but you get my drift).  Sometimes I just want to scream, WHEN IS MY TIME???? Then I think I don't know how well I've got it and I should be 100% grateful for what I have, which I am but I want more .... and then I feel guilty for wanting more, I think this should be enough.  I should be content but I'm not.  I look at my other amazing friends and think why can't I have their life, it looks so perfect or I would like exactly what they have.  Its rough cause as one of my beautiful commenters said no one is perfect and when you have those around you who care so much they love you regardless but why can't I love myself regardless??????
Challenges - I got up and went for our jog (my son in the pram and me) it felt like I was in slow motion the whole time but I did it in exactly the same time as last week.  Its good to keep a record of time especially for times like today where it felt like it took forever.  Did I make a good lunch??? ... um no but it was yummy does that count?  Challenge for tomorrow, no run in the morning, remember rest is good :) Basketball tomorrow night - very nerve racking as I haven't played for nearly a year.  I'm liking embracing the fear of the new.  I am truly a very private person and this blog is a huge challenge for me but the responses I've received are really amazing and I want to keep going even though no comments in my head meant no readers which somehow felt better than knowing people are actually reading about me cause I keep thinking what's so special about me.

Friends are the Best!

Friends are the best.  I don't know what I would do without my girlfriends.  I have been really lucky that in my 30's I have made so many new beautiful friendships that equal those friends who have known me all my life.  I put this down to a group called Goal Power, an outdoor group training business just for women as well as my son starting school.  I don't know what it is but the love, respect, inspiration and feeling that its ok to be me even if that me is having a rough day and has snot running down my face cause I've cried so much and not really known why.  I had two friends contact me after my last post and just say, you know what it's okay and I'm here for you.  I just don't know how I got so lucky but I'm so thankful to them all.  I love you guys.  I get so much energy from all of you.
Now for the challenges..... did I get up this morning??????????????  That's a big NO.  I reset the alarm and got up only to get to class on time.  I did feel bad but I did do swimming squad tonight, again with my gorgeous girlfriends.  I just want to cuddle them and never let them go because I laugh and have a great time then the hour is over and I chat for another half an hour.  I really wish you could loose weight from talking cause I would be so skinny.  I left swimming tired but really recharged at the same time which is hard to explain.  I did feel like I gave myself a break today like a best friend would so that's good.  Now for tomorrow..... Get up and move and jog a little further and make a good lunch to take to work.

Fear and Loathing in Lost Vicki

Well what a week, I don't think I have even been so tired and then the next day would come and I'll feel even more tired.  But I did still keep getting up and moving which to me is amazing because usually I would go straight back to bed and feel terrible about not doing something/anything.  I would always go to bed saying, ok, tomorrow I get up early and go to a run, swim, walk etc (fill in your own blanks) and every morning I wouldn't go.  It used to really get me down cause I'd think I've already disappointed myself and it's only 6am.  Never a very good start to the day but I've got to say putting what I want to do in print has helped clarify what it is I want and it has actually made it easier to go after. 
Over the last few days I've really been having a hard time with anxiety and not being in control of my emotions and it's felt awful.  I have so many supportive friends and I haven't reached out to anyone.  I can feel so caught up in my own world that it makes it so hard to see out.  I was given the opportunity to drive a very close friend to the airport and I had a confined space where she didn't pressure me, she cared so much she would cry with me.  I talked about how I walk into my home sometimes and instead of feeling relaxed I'm home I feel like a complete failure because it is messy.  I talked about how ashamed I was that my son found one of his Christmas presents cause I hadn't got around to hiding it yet and I made him feel bad about finding it.  It was a day where I wanted to be anyone but me, the day ended and another began, yes it was a little better and hopefully each day will be but I need to make some changes is what I really thought.  I thought I don't want to feel like that again, I might be able to change my hair colour, get some plastic surgery etc but the true heart of me is here to stay so I have to embrace her everyday like a long lost friend who you know has parts you love, parts you like, parts your not so keen on and parts you hate but you love her no matter what.  My challenge for the week - be my own best friend, challenge for tomorrow 5am start for jog before session at 6 (BIG CALL)

Welcome Miss Tired and Cranky

Well this morning was a success, I was woken much earlier and already felt tired after my awesome day yesterday but I got up and gave myself half an hr on the couch.  I took it but then afterwards got up and ran.  It felt great .... afterwards!!!!  I'm feeling very tired, I know its good but why so so tired????  I thought energy out gives you energy in but I'm just buggered, I'm hoping it will come.
As promised my day of food.
7.30am Home made Bircher
Juice of 1 granny smith apple, scoop of oats, 3 strawberries, 10 blueberries, 1 kiwi fruit, 1/3 mango with 3 Tbsps Natural Yoghurt , YUMMO
11am (starving) 3 Corn thins, 1 1/2 Tbsps Cottage Cheese 180g tin tuna in springwater 1 tomato salt/pepper handful almonds
2pm handful almonds
3pm (starving) Choc milkshake and 1/2 blueberry muffin
5.30pm Lge bowl of homemade Potato and Leek soup
7pm Medium bowl San Choy Bow homemade
8.30pm 100g tub Bulla Frozen Strawberry youghurt
Overview is too much sugar but I'm not entirely unhappy with the days food.  My one big thing I have to get better at is being organised.  The 3pm food I met my Dad for a coffee but I had nothing to eat with me so I had to make a choice, and making a choice when you are hungry is always bad news, for me anyway.  My challenge for tomorrow is to rest, yes I know I may sound like a lazy person but my body is tired and I need to listen.  Food diary is a go for tomorrow though and my scary task is to play Basketball tomorrow night