Well what a week, I don't think I have even been so tired and then the next day would come and I'll feel even more tired. But I did still keep getting up and moving which to me is amazing because usually I would go straight back to bed and feel terrible about not doing something/anything. I would always go to bed saying, ok, tomorrow I get up early and go to a run, swim, walk etc (fill in your own blanks) and every morning I wouldn't go. It used to really get me down cause I'd think I've already disappointed myself and it's only 6am. Never a very good start to the day but I've got to say putting what I want to do in print has helped clarify what it is I want and it has actually made it easier to go after.
Over the last few days I've really been having a hard time with anxiety and not being in control of my emotions and it's felt awful. I have so many supportive friends and I haven't reached out to anyone. I can feel so caught up in my own world that it makes it so hard to see out. I was given the opportunity to drive a very close friend to the airport and I had a confined space where she didn't pressure me, she cared so much she would cry with me. I talked about how I walk into my home sometimes and instead of feeling relaxed I'm home I feel like a complete failure because it is messy. I talked about how ashamed I was that my son found one of his Christmas presents cause I hadn't got around to hiding it yet and I made him feel bad about finding it. It was a day where I wanted to be anyone but me, the day ended and another began, yes it was a little better and hopefully each day will be but I need to make some changes is what I really thought. I thought I don't want to feel like that again, I might be able to change my hair colour, get some plastic surgery etc but the true heart of me is here to stay so I have to embrace her everyday like a long lost friend who you know has parts you love, parts you like, parts your not so keen on and parts you hate but you love her no matter what. My challenge for the week - be my own best friend, challenge for tomorrow 5am start for jog before session at 6 (BIG CALL)
I wonder how many others (like me...) have felt what you just described......thanks for sharing x
ReplyDeleteIt's hard, isn't it. Cause I feel completely alone like I'm the only one.
ReplyDeleteVicki,
ReplyDeleteWhat courage it takes to put your stuff 'out there'. You are braver than you think, my love. I know the feeling of self loathing and anxiety so well. I lived like that for a long, long part of my life and it took so much of my energy just to survive through it. I learnt to give myself a break, love myself as my own best friend like you said, accept the parts of me I literally hated and slowly I build my life back up again. Some days you just put one foot in front of the other, and some days you can run and jump. That's all part of the journey. You'll make it. You have people who love and support you. <3
Kim K
You can't be your own bestie vick cause that's my job! I love you so much. We are, none of us perfect but when I have you beside me I don't need to be, and for me nor do you. I'll take you everyday just the way you are.
ReplyDeleteVicki you may not realise which of us woman turn up at training feeling like our worlds are falling apart or cursing ourselves because we have not got it all together yet! And yet there you are laughing and smiling, wrist watch ticking. And when we leave we are on a high from the blood pumping through our bodies and stomachs aching from all the laughing. It does not matter what you have or where you are at. Such is the melody of life! I don't care if you have the messiest house on the planet or the cleanest - it is who you are is what connects us to you - and that is what is wonderful about you! You!
ReplyDeleteYou needn't feel alone Vic, as you can already see, so many women feel similar emotions to what you are. Even the people you think of as "strong" or "happy" or "in control" are, in almost EVERY case, human, just like you and me! You have sooooo much to offer Vic, we are always our own worst critics. Listen to all your beautiful friends a little more than that despairing voice in your head. We love you. ;)
ReplyDeleteI just want to say a massive thank you to all the beautiful posts. To reach out and get such a response overwhelms me with a sense of community in my own little world. I love you all.
ReplyDelete